Failure

Failure. It sucks. It’s tough and traumatic and I’m not even expressing how terrible it really is.

It looks different for everyone, but it’s tragic nonetheless. Post-surgery, I felt as if I were failing all the time because I couldn’t do what I wanted. I had memories of executing certain tasks easily in the past, but in the present, it’s really frustrating because I’m unable to function as I used to. Immediately after surgery was the worst, but I learned about many things: perseverance and true patience being a few of them. These aren’t lessons we ask for, but having them is the only silver lining to failure. I’m still wading through what I consider to be failure, but the constant reminder of my downfall isn’t as prevalent.

I’m sure I’ve failed before my 2019 surgery, but it has never felt as colossal as it does now. Most people might feel failure, learn from their mistakes quickly, then move on. For me, failure is an ongoing feeling. It’s harder to pick myself up, dust myself off, learn the lesson I’m meant to learn, and continue on with life. I’m constantly bracing myself for the next mistake I make, so I don’t have as much time to recover from the last one.

My failure has shifted, as well. It’s a blessing and a curse. It’s good because it means I’m still progressing, but it’s bad because everything feels harder. Before, my failures were mostly physical; meaning, I couldn’t button my jeans with my right hand, or I struggled to open a loosely tightened plastic container of food. Annoying, but more manageable.

More recently my failures have included more cognitive activities, or having the appropriate behavior in social interactions. Admittedly, the social interactions continue to feel easier and easier, but there are cognitive responsibilities that still seem to evade me or don’t meet the level of which my peers seem to be. In some cases, it can be attributed to a lack of understanding, but in most cases, I’m limited by my cognitive timeframe. For example, I can only work on these blog posts for a short amount of time before feeling like I need a nap. My body doesn’t feel tired at all, but my mind is ready to shut down.

I think I’ll have to endure this reality and these feelings for a while, but in a way, I’m glad for the shift. Life isn’t devoid of challenges these days, and as much as I despise the constant embarrassment, it keeps me on my toes. For now, I’ll keep feeling like a fool and trying to find a lesson in this heap of what feels like failure.

^^Blu Jay